|Oh look, it's an honourable member|
The announcement that mobile phone charges will be ended in 2017 was hailed as a victory for European consumers. The ban had widespread support and the notorious telecoms lobby was powerless to prevent the measures being adopted.
Behind the scenes, I can exclusively reveal that the initiative has been welcomed by adulterers in the EU institutions. "Thank God," one of them said, "I've got three girlfriends in two different countries and the phone charges were ridiculous."
Several MEPs also praised the initiative, but off the record. "This is going to make it so much cheaper to arrange a dirty weekend with the interns and assistants," said one deputy, "Seriously, I was spending up to 20 euros, just to arrange a quick shag in Strasbourg. It may not seem much, but it all adds up."
The stagieres were also pleased, some from Eastern Europe told us that, "It's really hard for us to keep in touch with our loved ones, especially when they're in their constituencies with their wives."
They also complained that, "When I'm in Brussels and he's off on a delegation to God knows where, the cost really mounts up. It's embarrassing as I can't afford to give him the phone sex he wants, I keep making excuses that my Grandmother has died and I'm at the funeral," adding, "that just encourages him, he finds it sexy. I don't find funerals sexy at all. Sometimes I think he is not very healthy in the mind."
One MEP said that the costs were significant as he needed a phone for work, one for his private calls and two for his mistresses, "When you add it all up, the costs are astronomical. I've blocked my wife, and that has helped, in many ways."