Van Rompuy's Haiku Anthology To Cause A Storm

The Herminator

A satirical look at the short poem president who found time to publish his haikus in 2012

The President of the European Council, Herman van Rompuy has announced that he will shortly be publishing a collection of his Japanese poems. He has been known to relax by composing the traditional short rhymes for many years, but this collection is going to cause outrage, according to a source who has seen the preview copies. 

The source said, "I can't believe how disgusting they are, people are going to be surprised and offended." The mild mannered President, it is alleged, uses the compositions as an outlet for his darkest thoughts, and one reader has shown Brussels Jungle some extracts:

Baroness Ashton

Wearing tight leather bodice

Tied up in my bed

Dreaming of power

Listening to Barroso

Wanting to shoot him

An aide explained that, "If people think that is shocking, wait till they read his book!" The tranquil President has been seen carrying around a large black notebook to Council meetings and an aide, who wishes to remain anonymous said, "he never lets it out of his sight, but he spends all the meetings just quietly scribbling in it. We thought he was taking notes of the meetings or using it as a diary." 

The true story is more disturbing, according to the President's inner circle, one of whom was visibly shaken as he recounted looking inside the book, "I was really tempted to see what he was writing, I know it was wrong, but I accidentally spilled a glass of water over him at Council and as he went away to dry off, he left the book behind, so I took it and had a look inside."

"What I saw will remain with me for the rest of my life. I wish I had never opened the infernal book, perhaps God is punishing me for my curiosity," said the aide, through tears. He took a long drink from a bottle of whiskey and continued his tale, "Inside, I saw that he had written 'all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy'. Over and over again. 

There must have been over 200 hundred pages, each covered with the same phrase. Only the last few pages were different. There he had scrawled in a red crayon 'REDRUM' all over the page. I'm really scared to be near him, he frightens me."

Letter from Santa

From Xmas 2011 and Austerity has reached the North Pole

Dear All,

First of all, Christmas is postponed, probably until Q2 in 2012. The reason is that we’ve all been waiting for the markets to quiet down so I can shuffle some funds around before we can get into serious toy production. What? You’re surprised? Of course I need hard cash to get this show on the road, did you really think I finance it all with magic beans? Stability bonds?

And another thing. There’s going to be a delivery charge. Normally a bit of pie and whisky is a suitable trip for my chimney acrobatics, but as things are tight, you want to leave around €20 per kid with the booze. Oh, and no cheap supermarket stuff. A single malt is what’s required, or at a push, some Wild Turkey. It’s purely medicinal and helps keep the cold out while I’m riding the jetstream.

I’m also going to tighten up the rules on who’s been naughty. Frankly, being a kind old soul, I let a lot of stuff slide, you know the minor bits of trouble they all get into, thinking it was all part of growing up, but the fiscal situation means that I’m going to be applying the naughtiness criteria a lot more strictly. Be prepared for it. Leave a folder of supporting evidence by the bedside, it will save time.

Of course some things change. I might pop over Italy. I’ve avoided it for several years after Berlusconi suggested I should visit his party after I’d finished my rounds. Very nice it was too, a BBQ, lots of ladies and sambuca . Left the sled outside and went back to check on it a few hours later. One reindeer missing. The little swine had taken one of my finest sleigh pullers and cooked him.

Poor little Bunga Bunga, he was a favorite of mine. For Berlusconi to BBQ him was bad, to then feed him to me was very bad, but to then go on and name his sordid little gatherings after sweet little Bunga Bunga is just grotesque. I’ve not been back since. I would go and see Mario Monti, but, well, what do you buy the man who has… nothing?

The other big news is that I’m leaving the North Pole. It’s melting and I’d rather not take the chance that I’ll be spending the New Year watching my home melt. We had a group of slightly too shiny young things looking the place over for signs of global warming, wanting to “make observations on climate change.” Got ‘em smashed on home brew vodka (aka Santa’s Little Helper), got the elves to strip them down to their underwear and left them on a small iceberg. They looked like Smurfs as they drifted off. Not too sure where, exactly. Let’s say it’s a pretty good bet that they’re heading south.

So are we all. Watching a Herzog film about Antarctica, with the elves and a few drinks, we were stunned to see the South Pole base. Now, we kind of knew that our place was going a bit downhill, but when we saw that base, we all looked at each other and thought. “Nice. We’ll have it.” Already occupied? No problem. I’ve been showing the elves John Carpenter’s remake of ‘The Thing’. They’re finding it inspirational…

I reckon they’ll have it cleared in a few days.

The Towering Inferno - an investigation into the Berlaymont fire

Artists impression based on eyewitness accounts

2010 saw a fire in the Berlaymont HQ of the European Commission, we gathered a list of suspects

As eurocrats scuttled away from the flames, apocalyptic preachers roamed around Schuman quoting the more excitable passages from the Book of Revelations but the emergency services were feeling the pressure, as one senior policeman said, off the record, "We've got to hush this up, there's a lot at stake". Despite press releases trying to minimise the incident, others were beginning secret inquiries. 

The police source explained, "We've got suspects and there is already a lot of evidence gathering going on, but, " he tapped his nose knowingly, "there isn't any prospect of a court case, if you know what I mean".

A highly confidential list of suspects was shown to New Europe and we can exclusively reveal the lines of inquiry and why the authorities are suspicious:

Nigel Farage - An obvious suspect, but he appeared on UK TV saying he had an alibi. The CCTV cameras at the Gare du Midi are being examined as there may be a possibility that Farage lit the fire and quickly caught the Eurostar to give himself an alibi.

Robert Kilroy-Silk - Witnesses speak of a man in the inferno who appeared to be horribly burned. Police suspect this could have been the notoriously orange skinned ex-TV presenter. Also, his claim on election of "destroying the European Union" makes him a suspect. "We think he knew his career was over and he wanted to go out on a bang".

Guy Verhofstat - the ex Belgian PM was known to be angry by his failure to become Commission President and "may have acted out of a jealous rage".

Günter Verheugen - Long discussed making a bonfire of regulations. "We think this may have been what he was doing and it all went wrong, directives are highly flammable". He, allegedly, was spotted running naked through the corridors shortly after the fire began. A spokesman said "This in not unusual, he does that every now and then".

INTEL - There is a theory that they might have "sent the boys round" after being fined by the Commission recently. "The timing is suspicious".

Jöse Manuel Barroso - After reportedly losing support of some socialist parties, he may have become disillusioned. According to insiders, he has a bust of Nero in his office that he gazes at longingly. However his security team deny this, commenting on his departure from the burning building, "We've never seen him move so fast. In fact, we've rarely seen him move".

RELEX - Unverified reports suggest that Berlaymont was the target of a storm of blazing arrows, fired from the Charlemagne building's roof. "RELEX have been envious of the bigger building, especially as it's harder to see through the windows, where Charlemagne is more open and it's easier for people to see us sleeping at our desks or find out exactly long our lunches are. We're sick and tired of people in the LEX building waving at us and holding rude notices to us at the windows." said a source in RELEX

Lord Mandelson - It seems that after the UK MP's expenses storm a tabloid journalist broke into the strongrooms containing the ex-Commissioner's expenses claims. The suspicion is that the hack was so outraged he spontaneously combusted, thus starting the fire. Mandelson expressed "deep, heartfelt sorrow" that his expenses had been destroyed. He then asked if he could re-submit them.

Although nobody was hurt, there will be serious consequences. The biggest casualty was the Lisbon Treaty, which was burned beyond recognition. An official explained, "We were using it to prop open a door, but it has been destroyed. This means that every member state will have to sign it again, once we get a new one printed. This could cause problems".

The Commission is to be closed for six months as the entire staff have been signed off sick by doctors. Compensation claims are expected to reach over 3 billion euros as employees claim for trauma, inhalation of second hand smoke and tinnitus caused by "too loud" fire alarms. In brighter news, the Bada Bing Lap dancing club has offered alternative employment to some stagieres. 

There has been an appeal launched to refurbish the Commission headquarters, so far Microsoft has offered "extensive support" and claim that their investigations reveal that one of the press had a laptop running Linux and this was the probable cause of the fire.

One heroic moment during the crisis was that of an unknown functionary, in a desperate attempt to halt the blaze, urinated on a pile of burning Commission Directives, before being overcome by the smoke. This heroism is planned to be commemorated in a 10 metre high statue of this selfless act, to be mounted on the Commission roof, overlooking Schuman roundabout. 

It's going to be called the Berlaymont Pis.

Stan Laurel the quiet comedy pioneer

Way out in front

One of the best moments in journalism, is when you discover someone you admire is even more wonderful than you thought

On February 23, 1965, Stan Laurel told his last joke, telling his nurse that he would rather be skiing. "Are you a skier, Mr Laurel?" He replied, "I'm not, but I'd rather be doing that than having these needles stuck in me." Moments later he passed away from a heart attack aged 74, eight years after Oliver Hardy died.

He’s earlier warned friends, “If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I'll never speak to him again.”

Part of the most lauded comedy act, a global star, Laurel made 80 solo films, but is known and loved for his work with Oliver Hardy, a partnership that made 35 silent and 72 sound films. But what do people know about him today?

Philip Hutchinson is not just a passionate fan and student of their lives and work; he’s also played Hardy onstage, shows that have won appreciation from fans and old friends of the duo.

“The most important thing about Stan,” Hutchinson says, “is that he was a gentleman.” While others at the time had reputations for arrogance, even cruelty, Laurel was concerned about treating people well, especially the fans.
“Stan knew that they wouldn’t be anywhere without their fans, so they always made time for them, inviting them to tea, always making time to chat.” This kindly nature lasted even through retirement. He was listed in the public phone book and fans could call and make an appointment to visit or even just chat. One of those who called was Dick Van Dyke, who became a close friend.

Hutchinson says that Laurel was the creative genius in the partnership. Hardy had talent enough for both, “But Stan wrote and directed everything.” He adds, “Some scripts would just be a single piece of paper with the title and the pair would improvise and practise until they had their finished product. And they would often shoot in one take.” Laurel didn’t stop there. He’s attend screenings with a stopwatch, occasionally taking off a second, adding half a second to get the timing just how he wanted it.

He also was an innovator. They were the first in comedy to ‘break the fourth wall’ introducing the turn and stare into the camera to express bemusement, shock or resignation to whatever indignation was occurring in front of them. It’s so common that it has been forgotten who devised the look.

After sound began to be part of film making, Laurel also devised the trick of comedians reacting to off screen events, such as an accident happening just out of sight, but being heard.

As a gentleman, it was natural that Laurel was humorous, a prankster but never crude. There are no double entendres, nor any of the course humour of their music hall origins. Laurel had modesty when asked about his art, “A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at; then proceed accordingly.”

On another occasion he said, “Humour is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.”

So if we’ve only vague memories or kids who don’t know Laurel and Hardy, why should we still watch them? “It doesn’t matter than many of their films are old, black and white or silent, they are timeless,” says Hutchinson, “and they’re funnier than you think.”

To learn more about Philip Hutchinson's tribute to the comedians: Lucky Dog Theatre Productions

Atlantis Applies For EU Membership

The new Europe

No limits to EU expansion it seems

The President of the European Commission said that he was "surprised but very pleased" to receive an application to join the European Union from the legendary isle. The letter requesting candidate status was found on his desk as he arrived for work, Monday morning.

There was no stamp or postmark, but on examination, according to an aide, the envelope had "a faint smell of seaweed". Jean-Claude Juncker said the island's desire to join was "a vindication of the Lisbon Treaty," and he added that "Europe is so successful that even legends want to be part of our glorious Union."

A high ranking Commission official, speaking off the record, said that although it was "intriguing", there were some important obstacles to over come. "Look, they haven't even told us where they are, never mind anything on their economy or commitments to human rights. We've got a lot of questions that need answering."

There were other objections. The Turkish embassy issued a statement, reminding the Commission that Turkey had applied before Atlantis and the lost isle should really be counted as part of Greece. Atlantis does have some supporters, Dr Perdumann, from Leuven University, welcomed the island, telling journalists that the earliest accounts showed that it had a perfect society and large gold resources and asked the EU to consider, "if they can do without huge mountains of pure gold, in the current financial crisis".

Dr Jack Shepard, from Oxford University, said that the EU might have to indulge in some "creative rule bending", depending on several factors. He cited legends that the island was in what is now Libyan territorial waters and speculated that it could fall under the jurisdiction of a group linked to ISIS, "which could lead to problems."

More encouraging was Daniel Cohn-Bendit, the Green MEP, who wondered, "if they have unicorns, I do hope so. Unicorns are really cool." Former President of the European Parliament, Irishman Pat Cox said that he had been reliably informed that the isle was populated with faeries and pixies, and pointed out that he would be lobbying hard for the isle to be swiftly granted EU membership, and he said he would be holding bilateral meetings with Ireland's "little people" and the Atlantean sprites.

In the meantime, officials say that, in this very special case, there could be some major short cuts made on the Atlantis application process as the prospect of bringing in the the EU an alpine range made of gold, "means we're prepared to give them some wriggle room on areas such as governance and so on."

Typo In Lisbon Treaty To Create MEP City

A typically busy session of the parliament in Strasbourg

Poking some harmless fun at the European Parliament

As the European Parliament's constitutional Affairs Committee met to discuss the addition of 18 new MEP's, it was pointed out to them that a mistake in the text of the treaty means that not 18, but 18,000 new deputies are to be appointed. Throughout the EU institutions there is panic as nobody wants to go through the long process of negotiating and ratifying the Treaty, just four months after it came into effect and the Constitutional Affairs Committee has "reluctantly" accepted that the easiest way out of the situation is to go ahead and create the positions, hoping that an amendment can be put in place by 2020 to reduce the number of MEPs to a more manageable figure of 784.

According to one member of the Committee, who wanted his identity protected, "It's all the fault of the member states. You would have thought that someone, anyone in one of the 27 states would have actually read the treaty and spotted the error, after all it is a huge error and it will cause us a gigantic headache." when challenged that the parliamentarians should have read the Lisbon Treaty, the anguished deputy replied, "Are you joking? If we actually read any of the crap that passes over our desks, we'd be suicidal. I tried to read it, but even by our standards, it was truly dreadful. Whoever drafted it should be shot for crimes against language. Personally, I think it was drafted in Klingon and put into Google Translate."

The deputies feel that, to avoid another long ratification process, they have no choice, other than to allow the 18,000 to take their seats, but this is a logistical nightmare, according to sources in the Parliament. Brussels journal has been told that the Parliament is to take over Brussels Expo, saying, "It's going to be impossible to house 18,000 new members and all their staff, interns et cetera, so we're going to flat pack them at Hysel. The interns will be warehoused at Tour and Taxis."

Selecting the new members is also proving a challenge as the Treaty is unclear on how they should be selected. One proposal is to give a seat to anyone who has ever stood for election to the EP, another is to select random citizens, as a form of jury service. A British MEP said, "It actually is very comparable to jury service, as you're trapped in a room with people you don't like and sit listening to outrageous nonsense and deception. On the other hand, the food is better here and there's plenty of booze, so that's a huge plus in my book."

However, Angela Merkel is furious about the move, as Germany will have its national representation reduced by three deputies, at the same time as every other nation gains several hundred extra members. When we asked representatives of many nations deputies about the Deutschland deputy decrease, most of them giggled and tried, unsuccessfully, to look concerned.

Adulterous MEPs welcome end of roaming charges

Oh look, it's an honourable member

Why was the EU able to agree to end mobile phone roaming charges?

The announcement that mobile phone charges will be ended in 2017 was hailed as a victory for European consumers. The ban had widespread support and the notorious telecoms lobby was powerless to prevent the measures being adopted.

Behind the scenes, I can exclusively reveal that the initiative has been welcomed by adulterers in the EU institutions. "Thank God," one of them said, "I've got three girlfriends in two different countries and the phone charges were ridiculous."

Several MEPs also praised the initiative, but off the record. "This is going to make it so much cheaper to arrange a dirty weekend with the interns and assistants," said one deputy, "Seriously, I was spending up to 20 euros, just to arrange a quick shag in Strasbourg. It may not seem much, but it all adds up."

The stagieres were also pleased, some from Eastern Europe told us that, "It's really hard for us to keep in touch with our loved ones, especially when they're in their constituencies with their wives."

They also complained that, "When I'm in Brussels and he's off on a delegation to God knows where, the cost really mounts up. It's embarrassing as I can't afford to give him the phone sex he wants, I keep making excuses that my Grandmother has died and I'm at the funeral," adding, "that just encourages him, he finds it sexy. I don't find funerals sexy at all. Sometimes I think he is not very healthy in the mind."

One MEP said that the costs were significant as he needed a phone for work, one for his private calls and two for his mistresses, "When you add it all up, the costs are astronomical. I've blocked my wife, and that has helped, in many ways."

EU Fact-Finding Mission Returns Empty Handed

And the gods did weep

It was bound to happen one day

The recent delegation from the European Parliament, on a fact finding mission to the Middle East, visited Israel, Palestine, Syria, Jordan and Egypt, are desperately trying to write a draft report on their findings, but the report may be indefinitely delayed.

A spokesperson said, "Basically, we couldn't find any facts at all. Not one. There's nothing to report". The problem lies with the hosts, according to the Delegation, one member explained, "Every time someone told us something, somebody else contradicted it, often with official sounding statistics."

The first issue the group discovered, when investigating the viability of a two-state solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict, occurred when they asked for basic facts about the Palestinian areas, but Hamas, based in the Gaza Strip gave a completely different set of figures to Fatah, who have control of the West Bank. "They couldn't even tell us the size of the state, as each claimed different parts were included."

Other details were also vague, "We asked about GDP and the currency exchange", said a delegation member, "but it turns out that there is so much smuggling nobody has any idea of income, tax revenue or anything at all. It's been very frustrating."

Business leaders were also less than helpful, the member added, "When we asked about what currency they used, they said it depended on the situation, and refused to elaborate. It was the same when we asked about prices and inflation, they just shrugged their shoulders and looked rather helpless.

We asked about exports and imports and they just tried to sell us large packets of Marlboros at five euros each."

The lawmakers are not being deterred, they plan putting an emergency motion before Parliament in the next session to have a fact making team sent out. These experts are to put in place as many facts on the ground as soon as possible.

One agency that is likely to be in the front line of the new initiative is Euro Barometer, who manufacture facts for the EU. An official was doubtful, saying that "It could be unlikely that our people would react with a great deal of enthusiasm for such a mission, but we will carry out a consultation exercise, if the motion was adopted."

When asked how long the consultation would say, the official responded with, "That could be very difficult to determine, it could take several years."

The secret chief of Europarl TV

A chance encounter in the European Parliament shocked the author

A short while ago, I was trying to recover from attending the Legal Affairs Committee, drying away the tears by spraying Deep Heat onto my face while reciting the names of the saints; Spinelli, Monnet and Schuman. 

But I took a wrong turn somewhere on my way back to the press room. I noticed a corridor that looked slightly out of place, being more like the plush offices on the top floors, rather than the more functional below ground areas. I wandered down, playing the vaguely inquisitive journalist until I saw a door marked ‘Europarl TV Executive Director’.

Just as I was taking a sneaky photo of the sign, the door blasted open and slammed into me, knocking me to the ground. I picked myself up to see an elderly gentleman looking down at me. “Why are you here?” He barked at me in a German accent, “Why? Tell me, I demand to know.”

I stuttered an explanation that I was looking for the press room. This made him even angrier, “No! I asked, why are you here?” Feeling disorientated, I suggested “because of a great cosmic joke?” This seemed to delight him tremendously. He picked me up, embraced me like a long lost brother and said, “This is completely correct, I can see that you are my fellow conquistador, together we will discover great truths.”

This is how I started working for Werner Herzog at Europarl TV.

He explained that he had been brought in to Europarl TV, “I am not interested in politicians, I will only show the reactions of the audience, this is much more revealing. The soundtrack will be not words but a solo oboe. I have a real affection for the oboe, I was befriended by one as a child in Bavaria.”

We went to the Mickey Mouse bar, but Herzog stopped at the closed Hemicycle where he harangued a passing official with a monologue on the utter futility of all existence, a conclusion he drew from noticing the plenary chamber was closed for repairs.

It took some time before he fully appreciated that the poor official’s explanation, that the roof had collapsed, was not a metaphor but real.

Things didn’t improve when he bumped into Nigel Farage and insisted that he explain the meaning of ‘independence’ in “a complex, nightmarish universe where our fate can be in the hands of a random gamma ray burst that will extinguish all life,” or when we wandered into a meeting where he terrified the translators with his demand that “there are too many words” and the solution was to translate everything into Sumerian “and leave it at that.”

The only area where the Director was willing to show flexibility was press conferences, “I insist, most seriously, that those giving such ‘performances’ must be hypnotized, for this is how we can find the underlying truth.”

It’s best not to mention his assault on Joseph Daul because he had, in Herzog’s opinion “Kinski’s eyebrows,” nor his attempts to burn the Gym down on the grounds that “running machines are a pitiless, inhuman crime against the nature and the essential, unwinnable struggle that is the overwhelming sadness of human existence.”

He was last seen trying to enter the Parliamentarium with a dirigible.