Friday 31 July 2015

G’day Europe

The song remains the same

Australia's entry to the Eurovision Song contest shows they should become part of the EU

There was a mixture of shock and awe as people slowly digested the implications of Australia’s entry into the Eurovision Song Contest. Clearly they’re the favourites to win it until they bankrupt their national broadcaster and drag out Kenny Wilson or similar to end their gold run.

There’s also the delicious possibility of Nick Cave performing at Eurovision, which would be memorable, if not too disturbing to broadcast. Of course we’re more likely to get Kylie in a skimpy dress mouthing something vaguely coquettish, which quite frankly does the job for several key viewer segments.

At least they had the decency to wait till their 60s poster, Rolf Harris was ‘unavailable’ before joining in.

With their good and outgoing nature, born from self-confidence and pride in building a nation from the refuse from London’s jails in a land stuffed to the gills with poisonous creatures, it has to be said that Australia is just too good for Eurovision.

Why have they joined? It’s clearly part of a plan to join and take over the European Union, and good luck to them.

An inward looking Europe that is as neurotic and disturbed as a supermodel needs something new, a new energy, desire to roll up its sleeves and get to work, and, damn it, a joie de vivre.

We need to be honest. We can’t do it ourselves, so let’s bring in the big hearted Australians and gain a future and something even more precious, a Pacific coast.

After years of being dominated by Germany, the humour, empathy and bonhomie of Australians would be most welcomed by all. It could give us the renewal we’re looking for, not just the economic one, but that self-belief in the European project, the mission that we’re all part of something bigger than our little national obsessions.

Quite frankly, we’ve turned into the Leonard Cohen of economic blocs, we need to get our groove back and the accession of Australia could be our only hope.

Of course, in this most ancient of lands, all is not perfect, but perhaps this is one of the areas where we’ve gone so wrong, looking at dodgy neighbours, rather than widening the nex and asking who can enrich, who can add to our vision?

We can also get a whole new set of strange and unusual politicians. Like EU countries, the political elite is a hideous and bloated caricature of the ordinary citizen. Their current PM is a mixture of the political touch of Dan Quayle with the intellectual rigour of Dan Quayle. It’s a bit like an angry drunk version of Yves Leterme.

There’s an honesty to the way Australian politicians talk to each other and to the public, which would make Council meetings much more fun. It’s not just that they’re more insulting, but they are creatively so.

Who cannot savour the line, from a PM on opposition leader “He’s like a shiver waiting for a spine to run up.” Or the former Defence minister on the current PM, saying Tony Abbott, “stands for nothing. He is the Nancy Reagan of Australian politics without the astrology: say no to everything, just rancid, dripping, relentless negativity.”

Then there’s the most exquisite political insult of all time, when Winton Turnbull, who represented a large rural seat for the Country Party said in a heated debate that ended up as a rant “I am a Country member,” and Gough Whitlam replied, “I remember.”

Well done to Eurovision, let’s hope Europe follows their bold and visionary lead

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