Thursday 4 June 2015

For whom the bell trolls

A friend trolls Liverpool

An old friend of mine has successfully trolled Liverpool, the city of his birth. Trolling is the art of what we call a good wind up. Gary was starting off as a singer-songwriter, getting himself known when he had an interview with a famous music writer, who had been appreciative of his work, and Gary of his.
All went well until my pal was asked what he thought about the Beatles. Gary, being an honest soul told him. He explained exactly how much he detested the group. The scribbler freaked out and that is how the first part of a promising music career ended.
Even a Beatles obsessive would agree that the band are almost a stifling presence in the city, a ‘brand’ that musicians ever since have struggled to escape.
So he wrote a book, ‘Living Life Without Loving The Beatles: A Survivor's Guide’ and it became a cult classic, even the Guardian admired the imagery used to describe some of the secular world’s sacred songs.
I wish I could tell you what he thinks about ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’.
Europe has a fantastic opportunity to troll Britain and Nigel Farage, but they lack the imagination to even recognise what chance has dropped in their lap.
The UK has just announced a series of banknotes, to enter circulation in 2016. These are brought in every ten years or so, marking those who have, in turn, made their mark in national life. They have tended towards scientists, engineers and writers, but have included people like Quaker and prison reformer, Elizabeth Fry, who will be leaving the spotlight soon, to be replaced in the new batch.
It’s an interesting bunch, and pleasing to see that those like Charles Darwin are considered suitable for such special duty. The next include former Prime Minister Winston Churchill. News crews scoured the streets for controversy and found none.
It should be obvious that the British wartime leader, and European visionary, should, post haste, be honoured with a similar role on the Euro.
Or would it be more timely to push for the blessed Margaret to grace the single European currency?
It’s one way of opening the debate.
The one institution that might go for it is the commission. They’ve got their very own satirist, the Berlaymonster, whose blog and twitter feed are must reads. Anyone who announces the French gay marriage vote as ‘Hurrah! Now EVERY French man has the right to be an adulterous husband!’ is worthwhile.
The commission’s Troll King is their president ‘no way’ Jose.
I set a couple of interns to go through the files noting every instance that Barroso had announced that the financial crisis was over. I thought it might be fun to do a page of these quotes, but there are so many that we’d need to special edition.
We could do that, but printing it on paper with sufficient quantities to absorb our readers angry tears is still prohibitively expensive.
As he gets ever more edgy, we may be nearing the moment when he triumphantly admits that he’s been pulling our leg all along and austerity was just a little joke.
Or maybe, he’s planning his best and darkest jokes for his next satirical gem, “Political Guidelines for the next Commission 2: Say Yes to Five More Years of Success’.

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